Right at first I just cried . . . a lot! A couple of months after my sister Janets’ death I decided I needed some professional help to get me through this pain. When I first met my therapist, she asked me what I wanted to achieve with these sessions. My honest answer was to be able to tell the story of losing my sister without crying. I could not imagine doing that at this time. My first meeting with her, I just held the Kleenex box . . . the full box was empty by the time I left.
When I was so lost in grief a friend of mine shared this verse with me. It was refreshing to know how precious my tears were to God.
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” Psalm 58: 8
As the tears continued to roll down my face, I thought they represented a weak person. This verse brought so much comfort to me. When I realized that our Lord keeps track of every one of them, collects them, and writes all of them in a book, I knew how much He loved me and He was there every moment I was uncontrollably shedding those tears. I also thought he must have a pretty big bottle for all the tears I had cried!
The few months before she passed away was a time of excitement for me! She had been diagnosed with a rare blood cancer and the only way of surviving was a bone marrow transplant. I was able to be her donor since I was a 100% match! We were doing this amazing adventure together! In my mind I would give her my bone marrow . . . she would have a long process of getting healthy (that would just be a little bump in the road) . . . then she’d be fine . . . I had so much hope for her future!
That fairytale did not happen. Within the first week of the transplant her health began to decline . . . pretty rapidly. The doctors kept giving us hope. They were doing so many different procedures . . . none of them worked. She lived for 2 more months . . . then she was gone.
I can not describe how I felt at this time. The bottom of my world had dropped out from under me! I had so much hope for her full recovery! Hope was gone . . . sadness was overwhelming . . . joy was gone. I couldn’t imagine how I could be joyful when so much of my life as I knew it was gone. My pain was unbearable at times.
I was searching for hope and joy in my life. I was so lost in my depression that so much of the joy and hope for life was gone. Most people would not have seen this in me. I was good at masking my pain. I still loved being around my family and especially my little granddaughters! They did bring joy to my life, but when I was alone, my thoughts would take me back to my hopeless, joyless life . . . or so I thought it was.
I began reading my Bible more. I knew there is hope in the Lord . . . I knew there were answers in this book. I didn’t really know how to start.
One thing my therapist had me do was go back to the last few days with Janet . . . when I felt so alone and look to see where God was. I could see him in so many ways where He was taking care of me . . . through the nurses who loved on me . . . friends of Janet’s that I hardly knew . . . an amazing doctor who gave me hugs and let me cry into his shoulders. God was there in so many ways!
He was so compassionate to me . . . I’ll never forget him!!
Christmas was right around the corner. I was dreading it. All of the firsts you experience are tough. I was not exempt from this pain.
I was approaching my Bible reading like I had never done before. I was searching for answers. Since we were in the middle of the Christmas season a verse that I have heard since I was a little girl came to life for me.
“The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel” (which means God with us). Matthew 1:23
God is with us! After listening to this verse in sermons and Christmas pageants for years, it came to life for me! God is with us . . .no matter where we are or what our circumstances are . . . He is with us! This brought hope back into my life!
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will NEVER LEAVE YOU nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8
Janet was my best friend . . . always was! She was the one I could talk to about anything!! She was my secret keeper . . . my sounding board. This was one of the hardest things for me about losing her . . . just knowing she was there for me was always so comforting. The Bible says that God will NEVER leave me! That is so encouraging to me. People will let us down . . . God won’t. God is with us and never is He going to leave us! That gives me hope for my future!
2FaithfulSisters 
Dear Barb, Your and Janet’s sister story is so valuable to all of us who read it. You are helping those who come behind you to journey through their grief and come out stronger with every passing year. Oh Barb, Janet’s love for you is just like yours was for her. She told me over and over again how close the two of you were your whole lives. I loved or so. She was one of my best friends there in Virginia . I think of her so often. I think a lot about heaven these days as my lung condition worsens. The best part of heaven, apart from embracing Jesus, is that there is no time there. Time will be no more. Everything that was sad and painful will no longer be true. And on that day when the two of you see each other again it will be as if she just left yesterday. Much love, rebecca~
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